Having suffered loss in a very profound way, I now find myself questioning its long-term effects on me. I would have thought that going through that sort of trauma would harden you up. Unfortunately that doesn’t seem to be the case.

It’s amazing the sort of things that take over your mind in times of sadness. Having fare-welled Izi on Monday (and kept it together nicely) I found myself crying in the car on the trip home. Why? What was it that brought it on? And why was it so easy to break down, surely after all I’ve been through this really wasn’t a big thing.

Well I guess it was. Izi has been part of G.S.W. for a few years and as a result part of my life for that long as well. Before training took over so much of my time, I was able to help Izi move flat, I gave here rides home some nights and she was a fixture on the mat. So yes, I guess we were quite close. So it’s sad to see her go, even though she is still “around” we won’t seen her again for god knows how long.

So it got me thinking of all those people who have gone away or just disappeared, and why is it suddenly such a big deal? I mean in the Zen Do Kai days there were literary 100’s of people who passed through the “system” that I interacted with. And although I am friends with many of them still, they don’t mean half as much as the friends I’ve made through BJJ.

Why should that be?

Is it the passion I have for BJJ and GSW? I’m not sure, I know when I did Zen Do Kai I was as passionate and dedicated as I am now, so why is it different? I can only assume it’s something to do with the interaction on the mat. The way BJJ forces you into close contact with everyone you train with. Which in turn instantly makes everyone need to trust more, you literally place your well being in your partners hands. Is that it?

Could it be I’m just getting old and melancholy? Maudlin? Have the losses I’ve been through fundamentally changed the way I interact with the people around me? I know I’m less tolerant, is the balance to that the fact that I care more about those who I allow into my life?

I don’t know.

All I can say for sure is that right now at this time in my life, the people who I interact with and genuinely like have a profound effect on me in ways I have never before noticed. So yes it’s very sad to say goodbye to Izi. And Rodrigo, even though I’ve known him such a short time, I really like the guy. And yes it was sad to say goodbye to Ichi, at least I know I’m not alone on this one. (Ichi is something of a legend on the GSW mat, and is still talked about in hushed tones.)

It’s also sad that Jeremy has gone and Nick is absent, James at home in Bournemouth, Jimi and Chris in Auckland, Harry overseas visiting family, Dan tramping around the globe, in fact both Dan’s away on their adventures, our resident legend Jonny Bares. And the many more who have, for a short time, called GSW home and since gone on their way into the wide world.

Thoughts then turn to “who’s next”?? I know Melissa and Dion have plans to go, how will I cope without them? Ko has a major life changing time approaching and he’ll be gone for a long time (After we only just got him back) who else? And how will it affect me?

Really at the end though it’s not about who’s gone or going but who’s still here…

Those of us that keep plugging on, giving every spare moment that we can find to something that is quickly consuming our lives and thoughts day in and day out. Wondering to ourselves why do we keep going back for more?

The punishment, the sole-crushing sessions, the bruises, the aches and strains. The endless mind numbing questions from the ill informed.

”Wow, do you do Kung Foo??”
”I guess I shouldn’t mess with you”
”How did you get that bruise? – is everything alright at home?”
“So.. like… can you kill people with your bare hands?”

So why do we do it???

Everyone has their own reasons but I know a lot of them will be the same. But for me.. Well it’s the Izi’s and the Ichi’s and the Nick’s the Jeremy’s the Jonny’s the Alex’s the Kats the Melissa’s and Dion’s… and all the people who make the mat what it is. A fantastic place to train and come together with like-minded sadists!!!

So goodbye Izi!
Goodbye Rodrigo!
We miss you Ichi!
See you soon Jonny!
Good luck to everyone who has passed our way and remember, our mat is always open to you; you will always be part of the GSW team!!!!

Geoff